Okay, so here’s a somewhat painful question to answer. Why should our kids obey us? What’s in it for them? What’s their motivation?
Most of parents would say that our kids should obey us just because they should. It’s the right thing to do, and if you wanna get all shari’ on it, we’d say it’s because Allah said so. So basically we tell them they need to do it just because they should and if they don’t it’s gonna be big trouble.
But how long can we use these as a means of insuring their obedience (especially considering it doesn’t exactly work 100% of the time any way), when in fact our own behavior is communicating something very different to our kids? Are they really obeying us based on principle, or are they obeying us for our sake, so that we can feel good about our kids and in turn feel good about ourselves?
What I’m getting at is that our goals as parents is to get our kids to act based on principle. We actually do want our kids to do the right thing, simply because it is right or it pleases Allah. But if we’re really honest with ourselves, when our kids disobey us or are about to, we’re not thinking about God or principles, we’re thinking about how this kid shouldn’t give us such a hard time, that we’ve had a long day, or that we’re embarassed by his behavior. In other words, our kid’s behavior makes us feel bad, and we don’t like that. And that’s why we yell or lose control. When we behave that way as parents, we aren’t teaching our children about principles or obeying us because it’s the right thing to do. We aren’t helping our children t find the motivation to want to obey us. We’re simply communicating to them they’re our emotional caretakers, and that’s why we need them to obey us. We need them to validate us as good parents, and that’s what their obedience has come to mean to us. We put them in control, and they know it.
Starting on Jan. 16 I’ll be giving a class twice a week during the evening to help parents learn where they’re coming from, like in the scenario above, and how they can find a better way to parent–the Screamfree way. Classes will be held at the MCA in Santa Clara, California. Here is a direct link to enroll http://www.mcabayarea.org/secure/scream-free-parenting.html. Hope to see you there, insha’Allah.
Read moreNow that I’m back
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on November 28, 2011 @ 4:51 pm
Some times I’m such a Scream-full parent, I can’t help but fall into the trap of self-loathing. Branding myself as a hyprocite, I wonder if my kids will tell their therapists (they don’t have any yet) that their life’s dismay has been having a mother who shows one face to the world and a completely [...]
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8 Ways (after 8 years) for a Great Marriage
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on October 9, 2011 @ 7:16 pm
Alhamdulillah this October I was married for eight years, so I’m posting eight ingredients for a happy, screamfree marriage.
1. Do what YOU (and your spouse) want to do
After marriage, society and our families have a list of expectations that the status quo projects. By a certain time we’re supposed to have a baby, [...]
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Back to (Home)school
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on September 8, 2011 @ 1:45 pm
It’s fall, which means that while many mothers everywhere are getting a break as they send Suzy and Johnny back to school, my work just went from ankle to knee-deep. I homeschool throughout the summer, but not with the same intensity I do in the fall. It seems counter intuitive that I, who always preaches [...]
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R.I.P. Nazish; a Lesson to be Taken
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on August 21, 2011 @ 11:51 am
The most blessed time of the year is about to come to an end, and life as normal will begin once again. I pray that Allah enables all of us to continue some, if not all, of the good deeds and worship we have established during this blessed month.
One very unfortunate event occurred during a [...]
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My Kid’s Biggest Fan
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on July 9, 2011 @ 11:08 am
This from Hal, author of ScreamFree Parenting. I thought it was a nice reminder, considering whenever I get together with my friends our kids are the only things we seem to talk about
Let’s face it. Everyone likes to talk about how great their children are. That’s very normal. But, I’m going to [...]
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Great Advice for the Day
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on June 28, 2011 @ 10:12 am
“Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs one step at a time.”
-Mark Twain
Hal’s Take:
If there is some habit going on in your house that needs to stop, instead of tossing it out of the window, try coaxing it downstairs. Habits usually [...]
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Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on June 9, 2011 @ 4:38 pm
Marriage Was Not Designed To Make You Happy
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2011/02/18/marriage-was-not-designed-to-make-you-happy/
February 18, 2011 · View Comments
in Relationships
I posted the following as my status on Facebook yesterday:
Marriage was not designed to make you happy, satisfied, or whole. If you go into it for any of the aforementioned reasons, you’re in for a rude awakening.
Some of my friends [...]
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The Perpetual Victim
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on May 19, 2011 @ 11:17 am
An article soon to appear in Al Jumuah.
The word “victim” conjures up a host of adjectives—weak, helpless, sad, hysterical, oppressed, just to name a few. The image of a victim, regardless of the crime perpetrated against them, is deserving of our attention and sympathy, while the perpetrator is worthy of our anger and punishment. [...]
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The Needy Spouse
Written by: Olivia (Certified ScreamFree Leader) on May 8, 2011 @ 6:52 am
it’s been a while since you’ve had some time with me *pets blog*
so today, i’ve decided to talk about an important topic: myself.
okay, not really just myself, but yourself to. really the self. that part of us that each of us only really knows about, well, ourselves. that part of us that will always be [...]
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