screamfree muslims

I love my kids, like seriously no matter what, I looooooove my kids.  I mean, what sane mother doesn’t?  The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said ‘God divided Mercy (or Grace) into 100 parts and kept 99 parts of it with Him and sent down one part on earth. And because of that, this one single part, His creatures are Merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoof away from its baby, lest it should trample on it.’ [Sahih Bukhari]

So it’s just in out nature that no matter how much our baby cries or how naughty our toddler is or how mouthy our teen/tween is, we love em.  This love and mercy that comes so naturally to parents is often the reason cited by scholars as to why the Qur’an is silent on the obligation of parents to love and care for their children whereas it reminds children to be dutiful, respectful, merciful, loving, and humble to their parents.  What mother or father wouldn’t lay down their life for their kid?  I know I did.

No, I didn’t take a bullet for my kids, God forbid I ever have to.  But what did we all do the day we became parents?  Put most of our life on the back-burner.  Before our first baby we dreamed of this small being who would bring so much sunshine, butterflies, and warm-fuzzies to our world.  Finally, we would reach the pinnacle of self-worth and fulfillment when we donned the title of “mother” or “father.”  Many women give up their careers when they become mothers.  Many men take on two jobs when they become fathers.  Socializing becomes a sporadic Facebook update instead of a trip to the mall and a latte with a girlfriend or a night out shooting hoops with the guys.  Couples tough out weeks or months of “uneventful” marriages *coughs* (you know what I mean).  We continue to extend and over-extend ourselves for years until we find ourselves fantasizing about life before our kids were born or when they finally leave the nest, and then we feel guilty.  Aren’t we supposed to love being parents?!

I love my kids and I love being their parent, but sometimes I just want to escape this thing called parenting (like, can someone hire me a governess?  Is Mary Poppins on Linkedin?)  I have, on many occasion, put a box of crackers in my freezer (or milk in my pantry) because I am on a mental vacation as I am tending to the menial needs of my kids (don’t worry, when I homeschool them, I try to pay attention).  Yes, like Anne Shirley dropping dirty dishwater all over Marilla’s immaculate floors (I love the classics) because she’s too busy daydreaming over Tennyson, I often find myself mentally running with abandon through the forested hills of Nova Scotia as I load my dishwasher or fix PB&J.  If parenting was a job that someone paid me for, I’d be making six figures, because it’s blue-collar work and it’s as mentally demanding as any corporate job (this is why I believe my mini-mental escapes are a survival mechanism).

Parenting is hard work.  It’s stress, it’s exhaustion, it’s worry, it’s sometimes resentment.  Yes, it is rewarding.  Yes, it is a chance to come closer to God and to be Thankful for all of his Blessings.  If it wasn’t anything positive, where would we get the motivation for all the blood, sweat, and tears?  But unless we take time to count our blessings one by one and be thankful for our children (and in the moment to moment heyday of life we often don’t), it’s easy to get caught up in a negative cycle with our kids.  So many of us are martyr parents to the extent that we need our kids to be wonderful and perfect, because if they don’t, then what are we worth?  Our own self-love is so tied up in our performance as parents, and our only indicator of that is how well our kids perform. That’s way too much pressure on them.  Be perfect, kids, so I can feel perfect?

So in an effort to be practical, here are a few Screamfree tips to help us like parenting a little more and alleviate the tremendous pressure we sometimes put on our kids:
1. Be thankful to God for your kids.  Some people don’t have any.  Some people have lost theirs.  If your feel overwhelmed just make dua’.  Also, the ultimate way to show thankfulness to Allah is to fulfill those deeds which he has obligatory on us, like praying five times a day.  It’s the height of ungratefulness that we enjoy God’s blessings while deliberately neglecting his commandments.
2. Get a life.  I say it at the seminars I teach.  GET. A. LIFE. Parents feel bad that they take time away to work-out, socialize, pursue a hobby/interest/career or just space out and watch T.V. (or let their kids do it so they can catch a break).  Hyper-focusing on our kids to the extent that we sacrifice ourselves will only land us in a place where we need our kids to fulfill us because we do nothing to fulfill ourselves.  We’re better parents if we take some time away from our kids–plan a retreat instead of an escape (you won’t spoil your milk or freeze your crackers, either).
3. Remember you were married first. If you are married, remember that this relationship is actually the foundation of your home.  Your kids know if you have an unhappy marriage, no matter how much you try to hide it.  If you don’t hide it, then it feels to them like the Titanic is sinking.  And guess what?  When they’re gone, you know who’s still going to be living with you for the rest of your life?  Your spouse.  I mean come on, why do you think Aunties want their married kids to keep living with them?  They’ve grown so distant from their husbands, they don’t know what to do when it’s just them and Uncle in the house again!  That doesn’t mean marriage won’t change with kids, but our relationship with our spouse should be something we crave as a form of repose after a long day with the kids.  We need to maintain both friendship and passion to keep it healthy.
4. Have high standards, but lower your expectations.  Muhammad Alshareef gave a great example when he said that if you aim at a target, you have to point slightly above it when you shoot because gravity will naturally pull whatever you shoot downward (okay, unless it’s like supersonic fast.)  Same thing will all the stuff in life.  Have a target you want to meet, have goals for yourself and your kids, but don’t expect to meet those goals with perfection–the “gravity” of life is always pulling us (in like a hundred different directions).  Expect that there will be interruptions, bad moods, disenchantment, hiccups, and struggles to get things done.  Don’t expect life with kids to run like a well-oiled machine (nothing that involves human beings and their hearts and minds and relationships can ever run like any kind of machine).  Take it an hour at a time and at the end of the day try to focus on what you did get done rather than what you didn’t (and the same goes for our expectations of our kids).  Perfection only belongs to Allah.